Journal of a ward
by meva desa
Summary: We all know that Morgana eventually turns evil but i was wondering if it really was her fault and this story tells her transformation as i see it. read and review


I was 10 when King Uther killed my parents. Sending my father off to war, promising him reinforcements but sending him none – Uther may not have struck the final blow, but he killed him. My mother was executed the year before for sorcery, even though all they found was a pouch of burnt ingredients. It didn't matter to Uther.

He took me in and pretended I was the daughter he never had. I never believed him – how could I feel safe within these walls when a murderer walked free, never to be held accountable for his crimes but freely striking down any who opposed him.

The great purge that followed the beginning of Uther's reign was the worst crime he had committed and everyone knew it definitely wouldn't be the last. Even now, you could ask anyone in Camelot; they all know that as long as Uther rules, they are doomed.

It makes me sick to think that every smile I smile is a lie, every happy moment is anything but and no one will ever know how badly I hurt but because I am the king's ward, I must be the perfect public figure, no weakness allowed. I would do anything to escape the pressures of royalty and I would do even more to escape the beast inside me – the magic.

My dreams continue to get worse and although I take the sleeping drafts Gaius gives me, they do no good. My power grows...but to what I can only imagine. Some nights it gets too strong; the magic needs to be released, but I have grown up in fear of it even though I know I shouldn't be scared.

It's too strong – it burns inside of me, it twists and turns, its hot, jagged edges around my stomach begging to get free but I know I can't let it, I'm afraid that I won't be able to control this power. Something this strong couldn't be meant for me and I start to wonder whether some magic is evil like Uther says. Or maybe it is the person that decides the magic's direction. I hope I make this power good. I know I'm a good person inside but maybe that isn't enough. I can already feel it changing me, twisting my perspective to bitter and traitorous thoughts.

Should I kill him?

I can't fight anymore; when the curtain of night has fallen I begin to give in to the need of my magic. I had hoped the darkness could hide me, but Uther's getting suspicious. Spontaneous bursts of light, energy appear all over town. I couldn't help it. It was light or fire, I choose the less destructive path and as long as the magic escapes me it doesn't care how I use it.

The townspeople are getting worried and even though it's only light, Uther has to show he's making a stand against it, and he begins to kill anyone that could be the culprit despite the fact there is next to no evidence, and I fear that in his rage the whole town will soon perish. This infuriates me and the next night I lose control, start a fire that consumes the gallows and everything else surrounding them. A thin strand of a long-lost question finds its way to the forefront of my brain and asks if I am more dangerous to the people than Uther is. I'm too far gone to consider the possibility and even though a part of me is still here, the tiny fraction of good evades me – leaving nothing solid but darkness and magic to cling to. Perhaps if I'd had some guidance, someone to talk to who understands what it means to have this gift, maybe I wouldn't have lost myself in the amplified injustice and cruelty of the world. I vaguely wonder if doing the wrong thing for the right reason is adding to the dysfunction. I try to stop. Am I even having an effect? _Could_ I stop?

My head spins, the minimal use of my magic is not enough for it anymore, it threatens to swallow me whole and forever lose me in the darkness it calls power. Uther has killed half the townspeople and Arthur has begged him to stop, he says the killing is making the situation worse but whenever Uther hears the word _magic_ he stops listening. How I can still put on the fake smiles and the light conversation is a mystery to me. I assume it's the magic trying to keep itself secret.

It does a good job.

I fall, too lost in the endless hallways of lies I was forced to tell. The darkness surrounds me now, keeping me prisoner. The magic takes control of my body leaving me in a dark corner to watch. The things that I've done, from back here they seem so clear and at this moment watching them replay over and over again I see how wrong I was. If only someone could see past the evil deeds I do, see into me and find where I am in this dark corner where magic keeps me hidden. I know I shouldn't give up but I start to fear I am lost forever. No one will look inside me for they are too busy dealing with the havoc my body, driven by dark magic, brings.

To the rest of the world Morgana is forever lost.

To the rest of the world I am Morgan Le Fay.

* * *

hey guys,

First off i want to say thank you to my beta, the-lady-isis.

This was just a story to sort of explain (to me at least) why Morgana ends up doing the things she does and i believe that the people around us have a huge impact on what we end up doing and i think that if Merlin and Gaius had helped her maybe she wouldn't have turned out this way. We'll never know for sure but i wanted to explore what she went through and try to make it make sense.

Only if you review will i know if i succeeded.


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